rejected onion headlines

Malicious Lemon Wedge Finds Paper Cut On Bartender’s Hand

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COLUMBIA, SC - Weekend bartender, Danica White recounted the horrible incident where she was the victim of a vicious acid attack. “I was just making a vodka soda when I grabbed a wedge of lemon and squeezed it, and all of a sudden felt this shooting pain on my right forefinger.” A medical exam would go on to prove that Danica had indeed at some time received a shallow cut on the aforementioned finger. The medical examiner went on to say that the cut was most likely the result of a fresh envelope or paperback book. When asked if she was scared another lemon might attack her in the future, Danica scoffed and replied, “I squeezed that little bitch so hard, his insides squirted out and then my friend drank his remains in vat where his dead body lay. And I did this in front of all his little friends. I’m not worried about it.” 

Pot Dealer Blind Sided When Buyer Doesn’t Want To Hang Out And Play Video Games

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    VIRGINIA BEACH, VA - Local marijuana dealer, Kevin Dougherty was in tears Thursday evening after his client, Bobby Janson left immediatley after scoring weed. “Knowing I would have company, I spent most of the day cleaning, making playlists and preparing a crudites. I was so excited when Bobby texted me, ‘U good?’ but when he got here I asked him if he wanted to stick around to eat snacks and play Tiger Woods Golf 2012 and he started acting all weird and distant. He made up some lame excuse about having class for night school and then slumped out of the apartment.” Dougherty went on to say that he later saw Janson eating at an Arby’s restaurant with friends while he himself was in the drive thru alone. At press time, Dougherty said he was considering a different career where people cared about one anothers’ feelings, something like, “the entertainment industry.” 

Cowboys Relaxing Evening By Campfire Turns Violent When One Member Admits To Buying Salsa From New York City

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New Trade Tariffs With China Said To Greatly Affect The Number Of Cheap Plastic Toys Used To Fill Landfills

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Local School District Promises To End Free Lunch Shaming By Finding Other Things To Shame Poor Children On

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DENVER, CO - With so much attention surrounding free lunch shaming across the country, one Colorado school district has decided enough is enough. Superintendant Donald Glass of the Eagle Valley District 12 said in an interview that, “too many kids are being shamed for coming to school hungry and it sickens me. There are so many other, more creative things we could be shaming our poor students on. When I was a boy, we used an array of insults, varying in severity. We would warm up with jabs at their clothes and lack of braces and then gradually move on to the more weighted and shocking insults, aimed at their single parent homes and lack of sufficient health care.” When asked to explain his stance in more detail, Glass replied, “I don’t have time to worry about kids’ feelings right now, we have school shootings to normalize.” At press time, Glass made no comment and was said to be at a local restaurant eating a saddle of elk and shrimp cocktail.

Health Tip:

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Avoid Obesity By Shedding One Of The Two Corn Tortillas Holding Together Your Tacos 

Relationship Study:

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Gnar Babes Typically Attracted To Rad Dudes